Ranking Bad: Characters

By Marshall Weber 

Yo, in honor of one television's greatest shows returning on Sunday, I thought it'd be appropriate to celebrate with some Breaking Bad character Power Rankings. Just beware of spoilers. Bitch. 

Character Power Rankings 

21. Victor 

You got to give up for his street smarts. Sort of like Jesse, Victor learns Walt's formula from memory and in the most basic terms possible. He should also stay away from boxcutters. Gus slitting his throat was probably one of the more gruesome moments of the show as Victor died a slow and agonizing death. 

20. TortuGa

I'll watch just about anything with Danny Trejo. Tortuga was a DEA informant who helped Hank retrieve information on the Juarez Cartel. Much to Hank's chagrin, Tortuga's secret was discovered and his decapitated head was placed on his namesake with a message reading "Hola DEA". You think putting a head on an actual turtle is far-fetched? That's kid stuff compared to the real horror stories about the Mexican cartels. Tortuga got off light. 

19. Kuby

Anthony Jeselnik believes Bill Burr is our next great comedian. He may be right about that. But right now he's doing a great job on Breaking Bad. He first appeared in the fourth season and has only been in a few episodes, but Burr has made us wish that we would've met him sooner. 

18. Hector Salamanca 

Aside from wishing that someone would take that goddamn bell away from him, Hector was a great character and a key player in what was arguably the most important moment in the show's history. Long before he was in a nursing home, he was a ruthless Cartel leader in Mexico and basically established Gus' business in the States. He may be a psychopath but he died to honor his family...in the world of Breaking Bad you sort of have to admire that. 

17. SkylEr White 

It's obviously Gilligan's intention to make Skyler White unlikable, but I after five seasons I can't decide what I hate more; Skyler or Anna Gunn's acting. Maybe I'm not giving Gunn or Skyler the credit they/she deserves, but at this point in time I'm fine with her being here. 

16. STeven Gomez

Very overlooked and unappreciated, Steven Gomez is always a breath of fresh air. One of the more refreshing aspects of Breaking Bad, is that it doesn't overplay the dirty cop card.. These men don't have superpowers, they get very little glory, and a large portion of the job is just sitting and waiting...but the men and women who do these jobs honestly are severely under-appreciated. Gomez serves as a great metaphor for these men and women and thus is why he's such a great character. 

15. Ted BeNeke

Poor, poor Teddy. When you're a loser like myself, you notice things you probably shouldn't right off the bat. So when Skyler's 'muscle' came to shake down Ted, the placement of the oranges on the table led me to believe Ted was about to die. Thanks to The Godfather, this is now a common motif. 

Not only did he unknowingly risk his life by sleeping with the wife of an up and coming crime lord, but he sacrificed a hell of lot for a mediocre woman. Ted is also one of the few 'good' characters on the show. He may have "cooked the books", but he did it to save the jobs of his employees. As far as I'm concerned Ted's biggest crime is seeing whatever the hell he sees in Skyler. I mean he literally broke his neck for her. We hope things get better Ted.

14. AndRea Cantillo 

When Jesse's happy, the audience should be happy. Gilligan doesn't write women that well, but he does do a great job with Jesse's girlfriends. Jesse never looks happier than when he's playing video games with her and Brock on his couch. 

Oh and Walt poisoned her son...she gets points for that. 

13. Tuco SaLamanca 

Tuco was Breaking Bad's first real 'villain'. Long before Walt went further down the dark Heisenberg well, we had Tuco. With his shiny grill and tough mannerisms, Tuco felt like something straight out of Training Day or any other Southern California Latin gang piece. I'm not sure if it's because I haven't seen the first two seasons of the show in over a year or that his arc was short, but the memory of Tuco hasn't stuck with me like the other characters have. 

12. LeoNel and MArco SaLamanca 

If you did a vendiagram of Patrick Bateman, Anton Chigurh, and a mute...you'd have these ax-wielding cousins in the middle. I'm one of the few who favor Season 3 and these guys play a big part as to why. 

In their awful metallic suits, you at some point have to admire these guys' commitment. First off, it must be hot as shit walking around in the desert while looking like you're going to an ironically tacky Quienceanera...but to try and kill someone with only half a body takes commitment to a whole new level.   

 11. Walter White Jr./Flynn 

Whatever you want to call him, there's no denying that Flynn has the biggest heart on the show. The only thing that this kid's guilty of is having two sociopaths for parents. Guilt tripping Walt or not, Flynn deserves his Camero. Shit, he deserves a new Bentley every year for the rest of his life. This being said, his character is painfully uninteresting at times. Flynn also gets pigeonholed as moody, full-of-angst teenager, which causes the character to suffer. 

10. Gale BoettichEr 

Vegan. Chemist. Nerd. Loner. Cook. There's perhaps no one I'd rather karaoke with than Gale Boetticher.  He's Walter White if Walter White wasn't completely insane and loved Peter Schilling's new-wave classic "Major Tom". 

Jesse killing Gale was one of the hardest things to swallow in the series. 

9. Marie SchRader 

Dammit Marie. You were so unbearable the first two seasons. But after your husband got clipped by the Salamanca cousins, your character finally came around...and became... dare I say...likable? Aside from her brief relapse as a kleptomaniac in Season 4, Marie has emerged as one of the voices of reason on the show. She may be nosy, but Marie means well. 

8. SKinny PeTe, CombO, and Badger 

I sort of cheated with this one. The Three Stooges of crystal meth, have had such an amazing rapport during the series that it'd be criminal not to put them together.

I'm not sure where the casting director found these three knuckleheads, but it wouldn't surprise me if these guys actually grew up together. I've spent enough time in Santa Fe and Albuquerque to know that these three goofballs are one of the most authentic areas of the show.  

7. Jane Morgolis 

Jane was the first great, non-major character in Breaking Bad. She was only in Season Two, but she made every moment count as Jesse Pinkman's landlord turned girlfriend. Kristen Ritter played Jane with her usual sassiness, but she also played it with a lot of heart and made Jane a very lovable character. Like Jesse, Jane struggled with addiction but still gave us hope that Jesse could lead a somewhat normal and fulfilling life. But this was thwarted when Walt let her die as she choked on her own vomit as a result from an overdose. 

The omen of Jane still lingers over the audience's head as we wonder if Walt will ever tell Jesse the truth. The sad thing is, with the depth to which Walt has fallen into Heisenberg...Jane's death likely doesn't cross his mind anymore. 

6. GusTavo Fring 

Gus puts on the face of the cop-loving, do-good owner of Los Pollos Hermanos, but underneath the tie he loves to constantly adjust is one of the scariest sociopaths and best villains in television history. 

We are living in a world where our villains are no longer chain-smoking outlaws with beards. Ok, maybe Sons of Anarchy. But the whole notion of a villain in black is pretty much dead. Gus Fring is a prime example of the new standard of villain we've come to know on television. 

A lot of his story is very Keyser Soze-esque, in that we really don't know that much about him and a lot of his story is left up for the audience to decide. Much like the suitcase in Pulp Fiction, the unexplained truths of Gus' past (as well as his present) are one of the many things that make him such an iconic character. 

5. MiKe Ehrmantraut 

Even as a viewer, you feel like you have to earn Mike's trust. In addition to being one of the best 'muscles' in the history of television and film, Mike is the 'coolest' character on Breaking Bad. Even under heavy fire, he doesn't break a sweat. But Mike's most important characteristic is that of honor. He's the definition of tough but fair. Sadly it's these codes that eventually lead to his assumed demise. 

4. Hank Schrader 

We love Hank Schrader like Hank Schrader loves minerals. After being gunned down in Season 3, Hank went down a dark path during his recovery to walk. Never has watching someone take a shit been so brilliantly unpleasant. I'm sure chewing oxy like Tik-Tacs didn't help with that department either. Hank is a great DEA agent, a great uncle, and aside from getting frustrated with Marie's inept mineral knowledge...Hank's also a great husband. 

One of the best aspects of the show is that Gilligan pretty much forces you to like both sides. Whether you like Jesse or Walt or both, the conflicting elements between their business and Hank's business and the tension within its continuous overlap is simply fantastic. 

3. Saul Goodman 

Saul is the cult hero of Breaking Bad. In an ideal world, Saul Goodman would be a perfect lawyer for college students fighting MIPs and PIs. But it's not, so Saul has to deal with the scum of the Earth. Bob Odenkirk almost played Michael Scott on The Office and it's easy to see why. (He also guest starred this past season...he did awesome). 

2. JEsse Pinkman 

Jesse Pinkman is the hero of the series. Despite growing up in an upper-middle family, Jesse went down the wrong path early and is still paying the consequences. He's not only one of the most likable characters on television, but arguably one of the funniest. If you were to be friends with anyone on the show, it'd be with Jesse Pinkman. 

When we first met Jesse, it looked like he was going to be the annoying junkie and Walt's bumbling court jester. But Aaron Paul quickly changed our minds. Despite being the one who helped Walt, or Mr. White as he calls him, "break bad", Jesse is an inherently good guy and moral person. We've seen Jesse's intervening morality numerous times. 

A lot's happened to Jesse over throughout the two year timeline of the series. Most of it bad. Most of it due to Walt's various interventions, interventions that are mostly unbeknownst to Jesse. Still---meeting Walt will be the greatest or worst thing to ever happen to him. Their iconic team could give Jesse the financial stability to un-break and leave the life for good, but Walt's sociopathic selfishness could also lead to Jesse's demise.  

1. Walter White 

If we were picking favorite characters, Jesse would be number one and Walt would be two. Cranston's portrayal of Walt is easily up there as one of the greatest performances in television history. The slow and painful transformation of the character is unlike anything that's ever been done on television. 

In the first two seasons it was easy to see Walt as the anti-hero, but it's clear now that he's the true villain of the series. As one of the few people who know both sides to Walt, Jesse is the only person with this knowledge that still actually likes him. The selfless Jesse buys Walt an expensive watch for his 51st birthday to which Walt parades around in front of Skyler like some sort of prize. Like any evil ruler throughout history, Walt takes great pride in not only manipulating people, but parading the proof of this manipulation like a trophy. 

Walt evokes the Jekyll and Hyde notion of the beast within man and man's ability or inability to control it. Walt can't control it. Walt is irredeemable at this point. The most beautiful irony of the show is that the most poisonous thing coursing through Walt's veins was never the cancer, but his own inner beast...

The Heisenberg.