(No) Return of the Mack

Marshall Weber 

As Mack’s death rattle continues, it’s pretty clear that Texas is ready (and obviously) eager to move on and start its new era. 

Remember that scene in The Departed when Frank Costello sees the priests at the oyster bar an basically calls himself God?

Frank says:

“May I remind you - in this archdiocese, God don't run the bingo.”

To which the young priest responds:

“May I remind you---the pride comes before the fall”.

Let’s be honest. Nick Saban isn’t going to going to Texas. Why would he? Money? Even if it bankrupts the entire state, Alabama will match any price Texas throws at Saban. Tradition? Alabama has won three of the last four National Championships. Texas has won four in its entire history. If not for an ill-fated run at the NFL, Nick Saban would probably still be at LSU with five National Titles.

Saban isn’t only the greatest coach of our era, but makes the case for greatest of all time. He may not look it, but at 61, Nick Saban isn’t going anywhere. He’s going to win a couple more rings at Bama and hang his hat (or vest) while he’s on top.

But even given all this---why would Texas even want Saban? The problem with Texas administration and their fans is that they’re impatient. Best case scenario, Saban goes to Texas, stays for ten years and gets (maybe) a couple National Championships. Then, they’re right back where they are today. Another lull. 

So here are some more reasonable choices to take over the Burnt Orange crew. Rankings are based on who I believe would be the best fit for Texas…

The Odds are different story.

15. Major Applewhite

Current Role: Offensive Coordinator, Texas 

Reason: Remember in Season Three of The Office when David Wallace interviews Michael Scott for the corporate job in New York? That’s pretty much what they are/should do for Applewhite. Basically, the Longhorns should just give him an interview out of respect for the time he’s put in for the program, but not seriously consider him as a possibility.

It wouldn’t make much sense to fire Mack Brown and keep/promote Applewhite. If the Longhorns really want to make a change, they need to purge themselves from just about everything Mack Brown-related.

Odds: 75: 1 

14. Chip Kelly

Current Role: Head Coach, Philadelphia Eagles

Reason: Had this been last year, Kelly would’ve been number one on Texas’ list and would very likely be the Head Honcho right now. But there are two, very big problems.

For one, he’s in the NFL. It’s bad timing for Texas, because getting Kelly from Oregon would’ve been highly plausible…but stealing him from the NFL is a horse of a different color. The Eagles aren’t doing terribly great, but Phili seems to be pretty content with Kelly and he probably won’t be going anywhere soon. Also, “content” for Philadelphia is not throwing bottles on the field/or using improvised shivs against opposing fans.

Second, and perhaps even more important, Kelly is still under suspension by the NCAA and wouldn't be ineligible for the 2014 season anyway.

13. Gary Patterson

Current Role: Head Coach, TCU

Reason:

Texas will go after Patterson again, but Patterson likely won’t be leaving TCU anytime soon. The new Amon G. Carter is essentially the house that Gary built, so why leave? TCU will also match any price Texas throws out at Patterson…because you know, private school.

Patterson also doesn’t have the personality for a Texas Head Coach. Interpret that how you will. 

Odds: 300:1 

12. Chad Morris

Current Role: Clemson, Offensive Coordinator

Reason: 

Despite being an A&M alum, if Morris were to be offered, there’s no doubt he come back to Austin. The former Lake Travis guru may have coached every Longhorns least favorite ex-player, Garrett Gilbert, but there’s no doubt Morris is great at what he does and would be a great fit at Texas.

Odds: 40:1 

11. James Franklin

Current Role: Head Coach, Vanderbilt

Reason: Franklin has done a brilliant job at Vanderbilt. But the recent scandal at Vanderbilt will likely deter Texas from giving Franklin serious consideration. If it was Saban, Meyer, or even Les Miles…that’d be one thing, but Franklin doesn’t have resume to get away with a question mark on his record.

Odds: 50:1

10. Al Golden  

Reason: How about a Burnt Orange tie at Texas? Golden’s 45-45 career record doesn’t really speak to what he’s done recently. He’s completely turned around Miami and is slowly making them a powerhouse once again.

Again one of the biggest upsides to a guy like Golden is his age. At 44, Golden is in the perfect age group for what Texas needs.

Odds: 30:1

9. Kevin Sumlin  

Current Role: Head Coach, Texas A&M

Reason:

Sumlin likes A&M and like Muschamp, doesn’t seem too keen on leaving his SEC job. But Texas will definitely be eyeballing Sumlin. Sumlin also has slightly more job security than Muschamp. But even with the reigning and current Heisman front runner, A&M isn’t impervious to Texas’ power.

Odds: 20:1 

8. Mike Gundy

Current Role: Head Coach, Oklahoma State

Reason: Gundy is one of the more proven coaches on this list. Unlike Strong, Fitzgerald, and even Sumlin…Gundy has competed against better teams as a Head Coach for a longer period of time. Since Les Miles left in 2004, Gundy has gone 67-35 in his nine years as the Cowboys’ head coach.

There are few things preventing this from happening. The recent ‘scandal’ at OSU may already be out of our minds, but not for the people making the decision to find a new Head Coach for the Horns.

In addition to this ‘scandal’, Gundy may also be too manic for Texas. Mack may pout a bunch, but it’s nothing compared to Gundy’s infamous press conference(s). Texas needs a strong personality, but not someone as polarizing as Gundy.

Gundy is also an Oklahoma State alum and he’d be harder to pry away from his alma matter than Pat Fitzgerald.

Odds: 15:1 

7. Will Muschamp  

Current Role: Head Coach, Florida

Reason: Had Texas defeated Alabama almost four years ago in the National Championship, Mack likely would’ve moved to AD and been replaced by Muschamp and none of this mess would’ve happened. But it didn’t and we’re here.

Muschamp will definitely listen to what Texas has to say, but at the end of the day he’s an SEC guy. He was born in Florida, went to Georgia and is back in the “Promise Land” at Florida. It’s going to take a lot of sweet talking to get ol’ Will back.

Odds: 11:1 

6. Pat Fitzgerald

Current Role: Head Coach, Northwestern

Reason: Fitzgerald has been at Northwestern for almost a decade and has completely turned their program around. Say what you will about the Big 10, but Fitzgerald’s ability to coach is undeniable.

As far as intangibles go, Fitzgerald is a youthful (in CFB terms) 39 years old, very charismatic, and posses the rare quality for a college football coach as doesn’t seem like a complete scumbag.

Odds: 8:1

5. Charlie Strong

Current Role: Head Coach, Louisville

Reasoning: Strong knows the game very, very well. What’s particular unique about Strong, is that he’s coached on both sides of the ball. He hasn’t had an official offensive coaching role since 1990, but there’s no doubt his offensive roots have been implemented at Louisville.

But Strong’s specialty is defense. He made a name for himself in the late 90s and early 2000s with his domineering defensives at both South Carolina and Florida. A lot of people thought Strong would be the first black head coach in the SEC before Sylvester Croom took over the duties at Mississippi State.

Strong is charismatic and extremely passionate and would bring a new, unique flavor to Texas…a complete makeover may just be what they need…

Odds: 3:1

4. Kirby Smart

Current Role: Defensive Coordinator, Alabama

Reason: 

While he’s done a great job at Bama, there’s a fairly big risk involved. At 37 years old, Smart would bring a much-needed youthful vibe to Texas. But he’s never been a head coach, and it’s probably not terribly difficult to screw up with all the talent he has to work with. At the very least, he’s better than Manny Diaz and that’s not what Texas want to hear.

Texas has been tip toeing around Smart and hearing the half-life whispers from the Texas Big-Wig rumor mill, one would think he doesn’t even exist. Smart seems like the Ann Veal of the Texas job hunt at this point. Him?

In addition to Smart being a huge gamble, Texas will likely continue its fatal flaw of being too proud and for better or worse will probably not hire a coordinator…

Odds: 8:1 

3. Art Briles

Current Role: Head Coach, Baylor

Briles may very well win Coach of the Year in 2013. What he’s done at Baylor since taking over in 2008 speaks volumes to the kind of coach he is. Briles, aside from Chad Morris, is the only native Texan on this list. The Longhorns pride themselves on being the embodiment of Texas and Briles could really benefit from being born in The Lone Star State.

Not even Darrell Royal was from Texas and since the Royal era, David McWilliams is the only Texan they’ve had as a Head Coach.

Briles would be a great fit at Texas. He’s just as good, if not a better recruiter than Mack. I mean if he can make Waco sound promising, there’s not telling what he could do in Austin. Briles could make Chernobyl look like Mykonos.

The only thing that makes this improbable is Briles’ age. At 57, Briles has finished the majority of his coaching career. Briles is a brilliant coach, but I think even Texas knows the problems of hiring someone who’s that close to 60. If he doesn’t get the job at Texas, Baylor will more than likely be his final resting place.

Odds: 5:1

2. Chris Petersen

Current Role: Head Coach, Boise State

Reason: 

There’s really not a whole lot of reason for Petersen to stay at Boise. Had the Broncos gotten an invitation to the Pac-12, we might have a different story. Petersen is pretty low key, but since Kellen Moore left, he seems eager to move to greener pastures, or at least any pasture that isn’t blue. Petersen’s former right hand man, Bryan Harsin, did a great job as Texas’ Offensive Coordinator before leaving for Arkansas State this past year, so we’ve seen proof that the Boise system can work in a more competitive field.

The biggest obstacle for Texas getting Petersen is USC. The Trojans got a leg up on the Longhorns by firing Lane Kiffin last weekend.

Odds: 10:1 

1. David Shaw 

Current Role: Head Coach, Stanford

Reason: 

Some people ask “Why Would Shaw Leave?”

From top to bottom, Texas and Stanford have long had the best programs in college athletics. Despite Texas’ recent slide in basketball and baseball, they’re still the premier athletic program in the country top to bottom (Tetherball Champs!). That being said, the only thing that truly “matters” in Texas is football.

Stanford puts football first, but not nearly to the degree in which Texas does. The Pac-12 is on the up and up, but aside from maybe USC, there’s not an 'available' job in the country right now that’s more inticing than Texas.

If Shaw is offered, he’d be pretty foolish not to take it.

Odds: 3:1