A Chaos Theory

A Chaos Theory: the Rise, Highs, and Demise of Professor Chaos

**Disclaimer: most facts, quotes, and interviews used in this article are completely fictional**

Professor Chaos is and always has been, if nothing else, interesting. He truly embodies the idea of “go big or go home.” When many football players would shave their heads for the team, Chaos shaved his number and a flying TCU into his head. When many football players would get a few tattoos, Chaos got the sleeve. When many football players would live with a drug user, Chaos lived with a drug dealer. And when many football players would get DUIs after games, Chaos did it on a Wednesday.

            So how did Chaos grow to become the beloved professor that he is today? The earliest signs of chaos stem from a smaller, football-crazed, Friday Night Lights-esque town called Brownwood. The skinny 18 year old picked defenses apart through the air and with his legs on his way to being one of the highest rated recruits in TCU history.

            When he got to campus in 2009, Chaos was redshirted, giving him a full year of doing nothing but getting yoked and establishing himself as the alpha dog of Old Rip’s, Halo, and Rock Bottom (none of these bars exist anymore [Rock Bottom became “the Bottom.”]. Coincidence or Chaos? You decide).

            In 2010 Chaos played the understudy to his polar opposite, the pro-style, God fearing, Marketing major, tattooless Ginger Ninja, Andy Dalton. The clash was imminent. Chaos and the Ninja never quite saw eye-to-eye as Chaos was once quoted in a fictional interview in saying, “Dalton? Yeah that guy’s kind of a poon. I mean he’s a good quarterback and the guys like him but he’s never even done blow. Not once, can you believe that? Oh and last Tuesday I tried to take him to Rick’s Cabaret and he wouldn’t go. I mean, I have never quit anything in my life, but I give up on that guy.”

            One Rose Bowl victory later, Dalton was gone and had passed the keys to GMFP’s kingdom onto the Professor. Chaos wasted no time making his presence known. Chaos led a fierce comeback against the Heisman Winner-to-be, Robert Griffin iii, and he would have completed the comeback except for the fact that Ross Evans was TCU’s kicker and the best kick of his career came when he kicked in his girlfriend’s door.

            Perhaps the shining moment of Chaos’s bar-hopping career came when he made it to Old Rip’s after the Air Force game, which was played in Colorado, before 90% of the student body.

            Chaos would stumble again against SMU, losing to the only group of players who did more cocaine than him. Chaos was at a crossroads. He could either A) lie in the ditch of despair and drown his sorrows in booze, blow, and bud, or B) rebound and grow from this loss, and never let it happen again. Chaos chose A and B.

            The clear summit of Chaos’s career came on the blue smurfette turf at Boise State (a game originally meant to be played in Ft. Worth, but the butt-hurt Mountain West took it from us for bullshit reasons because we were jumping ship for greener pastures in the Big 12 [10]). The league tried to take away Chaos’s heroics with a horse-shit pass interference call, but luckily Boise State was the only school in the country with a shittier kicker than TCU that year, and one shanked kick later, Professor Chaos would have his cake and eat it too.

            The expectations for Chaos in the 2012 season were that of a Heisman dark horse, as he would lead TCU out of its chaotic offseason, which saw its best defensive player and their second best offensive player leave the program. Chaos had become the face of the University (this parallel was reflected when TCU was ranked by playboy as the number 9 party school in the country, which in all honesty is probably a little too low).

            After four games, Chaos was living up to the hype, despite becoming turnover prone in the red zone. But then Wednesday happened. Chaos was arrested on DUI charges on University drive Wednesday night. This was the second black eye to the university that was so gingerly nursing its first. Nobody saw it coming, but then again, when it comes to chaos, no one ever does. Chaos was as unpredictable as his namesake, and while that was at times his greatest strength, it was ultimately his downfall. Now the keys are in the hands of a quarterback who has been described as Michael Vick Jr., and Chaos can do nothing but sit idly by and wait for his future to come to him, a position that the maverick quarterback is unfamiliar with. The professor is out.

            For the time being, class is dismissed.