Early Preview for 2012

Early 2012 Preview 

Matt Barkley aka Zack Morris. 

Top Ten 

Barely missing the cut: Kansas State, Texas, Florida State, Sconi, Georgia. 

10.  TCU Horned Frogs-Okay, yes it's bias. But the Gary Patterson era Frogs have long been known and likely will continue to be known for strong defensive teams. Last year was a bit of an off year as the Frogs finished just outside the Top 25 in Total Defense. But rest assure that Gary will have some asses in shape come fall. Pachall is a dark horse Heisman contender and he has the weapons around him to be one of the best quarterbacks in the country. Not to mention 3 2 deadly running backs. TCU will have to prove its toughness late in the season as it faces Kansas State, West Virginia, Texas, and Oklahoma in its final games. 

9. Michigan Wolverines-I think them and Michigan State are the only two teams I like in the Big 10 (12). Or at least the only two likable teams that are relevant. To keep in good company with rival Mark D'Antoni. Brady Hoke is about one Krispy Kreme trip away from a heart attack. Nevertheless he's doing great things at Michigan. And depending how Urban does at "The" Douchebag State University, he'll likely be the best coach in the conference. 

8. West Virginia Mountaineers-People are talking a big game about TCU making the jump from the MWC to the Big 12 and if they can hang with "the big boys". But really, is the Big East really that different? They haven't had someone in the national title game in ten years and that team goes by Miami and now plays in the ACC. They also had another team make it a few years earlier but that team also went for greener pastures in the ACC, that team being Beamer's crew at Virginia Tech. The Big East conference is a joke. It's the instruction manuel that comes with a board game, you throw it away and play with the stuff that matters. So I think WV's entry to the Big 12 will be just as interesting. Geno has a hell of an arm and I think him and Pachall are going to turn heads. The Mountaineers are like being back stage at a Rolling Stones concert, the place is a drunken shithole, but they've got a lot of talent and are loaded out the ass in speed.

Jesus, Mark. Don't have a cow. 

7. Michigan State Spartans-I think this is the year the Spartans make a BCS game. The Big 10 will be decided on whether D'Antoni or Hoke has the better day when they play each other. Or which ever has the heart attack first. But seriously, which ever man wakes up feeling better and eats the better breakfast and has the better shower, that'll decide the Big 10. 

6. Arkansas-Motorcycles. ...

...6.  South Carolina-The best thing to look forward to for the Gamecocks in 2012 is not having to worry about how irrelevant Captain Fuck Up Stephen Garcia will be. He's gone. He's gone as in he's graduated. Well who knows if that dumbass actually graduated, but he's done with eligibility. The Cocks (it's just fun to say) can be the team that can benefit most from LSU or Bama's mistakes. I left Georgia out of the Top 10 because Carolina has been more consistent. UGA has extreme potential but falls into the same category as teams like Florida State and Notre Dame that fail to live up to pre-season hype. Look for the Cocks to take advantage of others' mistakes and try to penetrate into the BCS title game. 

5. Oklahoma-Can Big Game Bob finally win a BCS title game again? No. They're going to be talented as hell, but the Big 12 will be very strong this year. Texas won't be the same sad puppy it's been the last two years, and the newcomers are going to be looking for a fight in hopes to get a Big 12 title in their first year. Not to mention Kansas State will be nipping at the heels too, even though the jury still isn't out on whether Colin Klein can out throw Bill Snyder. Gotta love a conference where everyone plays everybody. 

4. Oregon-Oregon will have a great season. They'll lose to USC at the Coliseum, which will more than likely be their only loss until they lose to USC again in the Pac-12 Championship. But hey, a Rose Bowl ain't a bad consolation. 

3. Alabama-It's basically the same old story. However they get an early test playing Michigan at Jerry World to start the season. Gentleman, start your boners for that one. They also have to go to Baton Rouge, which I'll just go ahead and place the murder count for that weekend slightly under 12. 

Les...what are you thinking?

2. LSU-The Marsh has always been kind to the Mad Hatter. There's just something admirable about a man who eats grass. Although if my wife looked like Les', I'd probably eat, smoke, or shoot up more than just grass. If they did a Saved By The Bell remake she could play screech alongside Barkley as Zack Morris. 

1. USC-Not only are the Trojans the best team in College Football, but they also have the best player in Matt Barkley. On top of that, they really won't face anyone who can challenge them aside from Oregon. They play Notre Dame to close out the regular season, but the Irish could have as many as four or five losses by that point. They'll play Oregon again in the Pac-12 title game, but I think USC will still have the Ducks' number. They're just too good. It's also semi-ironic that aside from those living in the bible belt, everyone in the nation will likely be a Trojan fan by season's end. USC is unlikeable as any team in sports, but the majority of us want to see the SEC dethroned. If rooting for Zack Morris and Coach Lane is what it takes, so be it. Fight On. 

BCS Bowl Predictions 

Rose Bowl: Michigan 21, Oregon 28-It'll be a snazzy one and likely the best bowl game outside the NC. The game could go either way and will be extremely hard to bet on. The only thing more unsafe is to get into an elevator with Chip and Brady. 

Fiesta Bowl: OU 35, Louisville 14-OU barely wins the Big 12 and cruises past the likely Big East winner in Louisville. 

Orange Bowl-Virginia Tech 31, South Carolina 28-I have a lot of respect for Frank Beamer and Virginia Tech. They always have a weird early season stumble but always wind up in a BCS game. I think they take one from Spurrier and company. 

Sugar Bowl-West Virginia 14, Alabama 10-The Sugar Bowl will take the whichever team finishes just behind OU in the Big 12, likely WV or TCU. Bama's loss sets the stage for the finally bringing down the SEC giant. 

National Championship Game-USC 21 LSU 17-Forget that other "Game of the Century Crap". This'll be epic and will have most people hating themselves by rooting for pretty boy Matt "Zack Morris" Barkley, but will accept it because he is the chosen one to take down the SEC. This will rival the last NC game USC played in against Texas in 06 in terms of greatness. 

Heisman Predictions 

1. Matt Barkley-USC

2. Montee Ball-Wisconsin 

3. Denard Robinson-Michigan 

4. Tyler Wilson-Arkansas

Barkley wins a blowout and barring a very odd turn of events other candidates include Geno Smith (WV), Aaron Murray (UGA), Casey Pachall (TCU),  Tyler Bray (Tenn.), Landry Jones (OU), and De'Anthony Thomas (Oregon). 

Winners of 2012 

The Big 12-Great new additions that will prove themselves in year one. Also with the possibility of getting FSU, the Big 12 could rival the SEC as the premier conference by 2013. OU, TCU, West Virginia, and Kansas State will title contenders and Top 10 darlings for most of the season. Texas is also on the rise as they have one of the best defensives in the country. They're still about a year off from being a title contender again, and once Ash settles in they'll be very scary. They have too much talent. Too big to fail as Gordon Gecko might say.

...That Being Said TCU and West Virginia-Though they'll both face stiffer competition, the move will go greatly for both teams. Even if the exit fee for the Big East was $100 million dollars, moving would still be a great move. 

Bleach Blonde Hair-Congrats Matt brah. 2012 is the year for the Trojans and the Matt. Now only if you stay out of trouble with Mr. Belding. Also good luck asking Kelly Kapowski to prom. Woahhh awesome!!

Cougars-No, not the cougars that take up the bulk of the porn history on my computer. But the ones who have an extremely logical religion. I honestly believe the Cougars can go undefeated and score a BCS game this year. It may be as whacky as the Mormon belief itself, but hey we can all have a dream. :)

Fans who aren't in the SEC-For us nerds who watch Game of Thrones, the 2012 season will see a shift in power. USC will dethrone LSU or Alabama and we can finally understand what people at ESPN as they will no longer mumble with the SEC cock out of their mouth. 

Good Hires-Mike Leach was a steal for Washington State. I called Urban Meyer going to Ohio State since he left Florida. He wins wherever he goes. He helped put Utah on the map, rebuilt Florida into a powerhouse, and will do the same with Ohio State. It will take a year with all the penalties, but it won't be long before the Michigan and Ohio State rivalry becomes one of the most looked forward games all year in and year out. 

Dipshits of 2012 

Ya fired. Probably. 

Texas A&M-The largest inferiority complex of all time will bite College Station in the ass in 2012. More depressing than actually living in that shit hole will be losing the majority of your games. The Aggies thought this last season was rough, trying winning four games...at most. They might get one conference win against Ole Miss. But could likely have a big fat Zero in the conference win column. Their wins will be against Louisiana Tech, Sam Houston State, possibly SMU, and maybe one conference win. So we are looking anywhere from 2-4 wins. Somewhat justifiable they have to play LSU, Bama, Auburn, South Carolina, Arkansas, Auburn, and Missouri, but jesus they don't even have a prayer in these games. Good luck Aggie Land. I hope the Walgreens in Bryan are stock full of Xanax and prozac. 

The Big East-For lack of a better analogy, the Big East is that shitty fraternity on campus that thinks they're much better than they are. They're aren't the worst, but the fact they won't accept their mediocrity makes them nothing more than a disillusioned pile of trash that should be left out Wednesday morning for pick up. If the Big East is this shitty fraternity, then teams like West Virginia and throw backs like Miami and Virginia Tech are like the girls that come to their goddamn senses and realize they are too hot to be hanging around with a bunch of fucking losers. That being said....

Boise State thank god I don't have to rank them in the pre-season this year. Keeping up with this lame analogy they are the girl who thinks she's much hotter than she actually is. She has the one good profile picture that for some reason or other God allowed the lighting to be perfect and graced this girl with one solid photo. Or maybe she looks good from far away, or looks good on paper (rich, drives a Range Rover) but is really just a spoiled daddy's girl with an alcohol problem. Who knows why we gave Boise and these types of women this corrupted entitlement, but it's really our fault. When they join one another Boise and Big East will be a match made in mediocre heaven. 

Shamed Coaches-Mr. Sandusky is crossing his fingers that the world actually does come to an end in December because that exit will be a lot easier than the one he's likely to face. If you've ever watched Oz on HBO you'll know why prison is the scariest place on earth, especially for someone who gets their kicks with preteens. After his first month in prison you'll be able to park a smart car in Jerry's ass. It's depth will rival the Grand Canyon and have it's own echo. Also Bobby Petrino. Actually well played, sir. 

There are also coaches like Jimbo Fisher and Kevin Sumlin who will be shamed because they'll both be on the hot seat by the middle of the season. FSU always has potential and I like the idea of them staying good and coming to the Big 12. But Sumlin will likely be fired and looking for a new home in 2013. 

Craig James-If there is a word for less than pathetic, please let me know. That word will be used to describe James' Senate run in 2012. Also Mike Leach's likely first season success at Washington State will make James look more like an idiot.