ESPYs Running Diary
By Adam Zimmerman
It’s
time for the 2013 ESPYS where we get to see what it would be like to hang out
with all of our favorite athletes. A night they take off from their normal
routine of sitting around their houses sending out Vines, working out, court
dates, writing child support checks and making it to back alley meetings with
their steroid guy.
7:40 Nearing the end of the red
carpet pre-show. Brought to you by FUBU and Sean Jean. Christain Ponder and his
wife/ESPN blonde Samantha (Steele) Ponder are doing the interviews. Another
note, Erin who?
7:45 LeBron wins the ESPYs for Best
Championship Performance and Best NBA Player. #WITNESS
8:00 Starting off with a montage of
the last year in sports. Reminding us that yes, sports are tight.
8:01 Ahhh, the butt fumble.
8:02 Oh, it’s Manti Te’o. Haha
8:05 Just found out that a water mane
blew up during the storm and we don’t have water for 2 days. Yikes.
8:06 Hello ESPYS host, Don Draper.
Goodbye problems.
8:07 Jon Hamm opens up swinging.
Calling out Chris Bosh for getting fined for flopping while Johnny Depp gets
paid 20 million to do that. Ouch.
8:08 Hamm with an uppercut to Dwight
Howard, “He may have left LA, but at least he finally did something to help the
Lakers win.” Poor guy.
8:09 Camera cuts to Michael Phelps
sitting with a great piece of arm candy.
Teaching kids everywhere: Don’t do drugs.
8:13 The mandatory Te’o joke. Thought
I had heard the last good one, but Te’o being the only one to believe the BCS
computers can pick a champion? That’s great.
8:15 Time for our first presenters.
Selena Gomez and Victor Cruz. I wonder if ESPN paired them together because of
their last names.
Odds
on them Banging tonight at the after party - 5:2
8:16 And they present the award for
Best Breakthrough Athlete to Collin Kaepernick. He’s wearing red and blue.
Patriots colors. Ohhh shit.
8:27 Next presenters: Kevin Bacon and
Maria Sharapova.
Odds
on Banging – Hmmm, both of them are married. 20:1
8:47 Next presenters up are Malin
Akerman (aka one of those actresses who plays a hot girl in the movies) and
Tony Gonzalez.
Odds
- 12:1
8:50 Best Record Breaking Performance
goes to Michael Phelps. Reminding us yet again – don’t do drugs.
8:56 Adrian Peterson is telling all
the OU Alum to get on their phones and tweet to vote for the Sooner Softball
team for Best Team. Can you tweet from a Go -Phone you buy at the gas station?
Side
Note: Typing on my Mac laptop for the first time in months. Very different than
my keyboard at work. Sneaky difficult transition. But I’ll power through it.
9:00 Arthur Ashe Award to Robin
Roberts. Very moving.
9:30 Presenters Paula Patton and
Jason Sudeikis. Our first white male presenter.
Odds
- He is very, very white. And he’s married to Olivia Wilde. 300:1
9:31 Award for Best Female Athlete
goes to Serena Williams. Bullshit. Should’ve gone to either Gabby Douglas or Missy Franklin all the way.
#TeamUSA
9:40 Bill Hader as Vladamir Putin
stealing the trophies from Americans. Great sketch. Gonna miss him on SNL.
9:45 Presenters are actor Tate
Donovan and Olympic Sand Volleyball Gold Medalist Keri Walsh. I identified them
because I feel they’re not quite household names.
Odds
- He’s whiter than Sudeikis and she’s a foot taller than him. 1000:1
9:47 Best Moment goes to Jack Hoffman.
Very cool.
9:51 Chris Berman. Gross. He’s
introducing the ‘in memoriam’ segment. Fitting because he makes me want to be
included in the slideshow when I listen to him speak. Dr. Jerry Bus gets the
mic drop and closes out the tribute.
9:57 Presenters: Bill Hader and Lake
Bell. Not sure who she is. Best upset
goes to Florida Gulf Coast University over Georgetown.
Odds
on former FGCU coach and current USC coach Andy Enfield gets extra special sex
from his super model wife tonight – 100%
10:03 Don Cheadle and Danica Patrick
present the next award.
Odds
- Depends on Don’s mood, if he wants it 95%, if not 66.67%
10:04 Best Male Athlete – Lebron James
#WITNESS
Not sure why Marissa
Miller was there. But, thank you ESPN.
10:15 – Time for the Jimmy V Award.
Why is Ben Affleck here? Oh, it’s about Boston. His towwwn.
10:30 Next presenters are Yasiel Puig
and Gabby Douglas.
Odds
- I think she’s like 15. But he is Cuban and doesn’t speak English so I doubt
he knows the law. But I do. So no comment.
10:31 Best Play goes to JaDaveon
Clowney. No shit.
10:40 Best Team goes to the Miami
Heat. Erik Spoelstra accepts the award. Ringo Starr thinks he is a lucky guy.
10:45 Jon Hamm runs out to wish a
goodnight and rushes back stage to finish his plate of booger sugar before
Johnny Manziel finds it.
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